A pretty funny thing happened the other night.
Sophia and I were hanging out and listening to Iggy Pop’s radio show, which is usually good entertainment, and we were drinking a little wine and talking. Well, I don’t remember exactly how we got onto the subject but we were talking about my voice, which I have always been self-conscious about and not so keen on. Sophia, however, felt differently and insisted she’s very fond of my voice, and after some discussion she had me more or less persuaded that my voice is actually quite OK.
“I guess maybe my voice isn’t so bad after all” I said.
To which she replied “You have a very good voice,” and suddenly from the radio starts up this majestic opera singer. I mean, he was really going for it – lung bursting resonance, all octaves covered, volume, projection, the whole smear! It’s like the guy was giving a demonstration of the full spectrum of possibilities for a human voicebox. The timing was uncanny and I felt very belittled about my voice again.
Also, a not very funny thing happened recently which was that I became convinced I ought to break up with Sophia but I had no idea why I felt that. It was a very idiotic situation, even by my standards. I now think it was some ill-judged attempt at some kind of self-preservation on my part. Sophia’s been saying for some time that she doesn’t intend to stay in Berlin for too long. I, on the other hand, am almost certainly going to be around here for almost two decades, owing to certain circumstances of mine.
I think it was this, in combination with my usual trust issues/self-esteem (lack thereof)/inferiority complex which caused me to try and protect myself (but from what?), and I’m aware of how ridiculous I’ve been. And yet these thoughts do come back from time to time. I have to watch my thoughts like a hawk!
Sophia is very good at rational thought and at making me do it too. Meanwhile, I am trying to source some therapy, but it’s not easy. They all seem to be full. Well, they probably are full – full of well adjusted, successful and sane people who are trying to keep me down in my place by hogging all the therapy which they don’t even need, just because they feel there’s ‘no room at the top.’ Well, they are forcing my hand. I shall firebomb the therapists and therapised alike! All people look the same when they are on fire!
I’m joking of course… A very tall burning person, for instance, can be easily distinguished from a burning dwarf. And a burning dwarf can be easily extinguished. Well, more easily than a very big person. Not that I’ve researched this matter at all, I just think the logic is self-evident.
Look, I came here to contemplate my relationship troubles in conjunction with my psychological deficiencies and instead find myself fantasizing about burning dwarves. Those therapists don’t know how lucky they are, being too busy for me….
Photo by Christian Allard on Unsplash